we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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