i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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