My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
