My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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