Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got inside last night via doggy door
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
