Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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