Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
