You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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