I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
