Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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