how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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