i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
