My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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