I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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