I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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