so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just gargled with NyQuil
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
