hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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