dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
