She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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