happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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