so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
