i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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