my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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