Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!