Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory