My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
