he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
