$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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