You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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