THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You pole danced in your parka.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
