i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize