Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
