I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
