tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
