420 ftw
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
