New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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