The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
