Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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