Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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