I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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