I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Come see our sink grown plant.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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