Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
