I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
