My underwear smells like fireworks.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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