he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
