Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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