My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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