What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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