so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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