On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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