We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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