Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
