Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
