i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
