You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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