um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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