My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
