don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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